Getting Stuck

I could. . .or maybe I could. . .or what if I. . .No. Instead, I’ll. . .

Anxiety and ADHD are not a good combination. Most days it’s not an issue. I go to therapy. I take Lexapro. I make lists and I manage my stress.

And most days, that’s enough. Most days.

Today wasn’t most days.

If my schedule is set, I don’t have to think. I can simply go from one meeting to the next. I can respond to questions. Hold conversations. It’s not that different than a normal day.

But, it’s the unstructured time that kills me. Again, not most days. But, on days that my anxiety is high, it’s almost impossible to make a decision. Should I start on the Windows 10 project plan? Or maybe respond to emails? Or what if I decide to dig into the error we keep getting with the Skype meetings?

There are so many choices I often can’t choose. Even deciding something as simple as whether to move a book from the top of my desk where it’s slightly in the way, to the bookshelf is a struggle.

Even typing this, it sounds stupid. I know that. Lift you arm, grab the book and move it. How tough is that? How can you claim you are immobolized?

And yet. . .and yet. . .my hand shakes. I reach for the book only to pull it back. Maybe I should make a list? But, even that requires a decision and try as I might I simply cannot make one.

Fortunately, writing is not one of the issues affected by my anxiety. Louis L’Amore once said,

I could sit in the middle of Sunset Boulevard and wirte with my typewriter on my knees.

I’ve always tried to emulate his work ethic.

Ben Bova, the famous Science Fiction writer, declared,

I never had writer’s block. I couldn’t afford it.

Writing, has always been my refuge. Give me a keyboard and a blank page and I’ll give you 800-1000 words per day.

If only I could do that with my decision making.

Rodney M Bliss is an author, columnist and IT Consultant. His blog updates every weekday. He lives in Pleasant Grove, UT with his lovely wife, thirteen children and grandchildren.

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