When It Feels Normal, It’s Not, But That’s Okay

LEXAPRO: Brand name for escitalopram. An antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class. Mainly used to treat major depressive disorder or generalized anxiety disorder

I don’t need medication. How do I know? Because I feel fine. I feel normal. Seriously, I’m good. I don’t get anxious anymore. And since Lexapro is for people who are anxious, I don’t need it. . .right?

And yet. . .and yet. . .I’m not fine. I know I’m not, but I don’t feel I’m not. When your feelings and your intellect are out of sync, you need help. Medication? I don’t think so. It’s the medication that is causing the mismatch in expectations.

But, the medication is working. And that’s now part of the problem. Strange how it works out. No meds, and I don’t feel normal and I realize I need meds. Take the meds, and I do feel normal and now I don’t feel like I need the meds. Kind of mixed up.

Therapy, I guess.

Even therapy is mixed up. I explain my background to the thrapist. I talk about my experiences to the therapist. She asks me things about things that she doesn’t know and I do. Or I should. All the informaiton comes from me, and yet. . and yet. . I need her to tell me what I mean. I need her to tell me what my stories mean. But, all the answers are really in my head.

So, I take medicine when I feel fine and I tell a perfect stanger stories that she doesn’t know so she can tell me what they mean.

If I wasn’t in therapy and on meds, I’d probably need to take meds or go to therapy.

I think it means it’s working.

I hope so.

Rodney M Bliss is an author, columnist and IT Consultant. His blog updates every weekday. He lives in Pleasant Grove, UT with his lovely wife, thirteen children and grandchildren.

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